Entry 7 – Letting go of being single, part 1
New York City 1988
Previously on My life and letting go
Welcome to entry 7. I’ll be continuing where I left off in entry 2, when I was living on the Upper West Side of Manhattan with my roommate Jeffrey. I was in my late 20s and single after my ex Debby dumped me.
In entry 4, I talked about working downtown at a company called Fiduciary. I mentioned how the job played a pivotal role in my career as a small magazine publisher because I learned desktop publishing while employed there. Desktop publishing, a term no longer used today is basically laying out a document on a computer. This was the skill I acquired to layout my first magazine.
Life after Debby was the longest period of time, as an adult, that I’d been single. It was less than a year but seemed like an eternity. Ever since I was a teenager, most of the time I was in a relationship. I had a boyfriend until I realized I should’ve had a girlfriend. But I was far away from my family and roots in Hawaii. I felt lonely and sad. Once I was talking on the phone with one of my sisters in Hawaii saying how bummed I was and she said to me, “You should go back to dating men.” I don’t remember what I said back to her but it sure wasn’t, “Oh yes, that will solve everything.”
My family in Hawaii actually met Debby when we took a trip there. Debby liked to travel and had never been to Hawaii so we went. But life with Debby was all over now.
After Debby I did have a brief romance with a blonde gal who lived in Hawaii. I mentioned her briefly in entry 4. She was starting her law career so I’ll call her Legally Blonde. I met her through a friend of Debby’s while I was visiting Hawaii. Legally Blonde and I had a long distance relationship and once we met midway between New York and Hawaii in Denver, Colorado for a tryst. Included in this blog are sketches I did of her while she napped. But as I described in my previous entry, she ended the relationship saying I was, “too trendy.”
My buddy Betty
The evenings were the hardest and when I felt the most alone. I was not a night owl or a drinker. I’m a shy person and didn’t feel comfortable going to clubs and bars by myself. However, during this period I became friends with another single gay gal I’ll call Betty. Betty’s ex was friends with my ex Debby and that’s how I met Betty. Even though my life with Debby was over, I met people indirectly connected to her such as Legally Blonde and Betty.
Betty was Jewish, cute, intellectual, had big brown eyes, a pixie cut, a nice laugh, and was fun to be with. Betty also had diabetes. She showed me how she drew blood using a lancing device on her finger, then used the blood sample to monitor her glucose level. She was the main single friend I was hanging out with during this period and I am forever grateful for her friendship. Betty and I went to lesbian bars together such as the Cubby Hole and Henrietta Hudson. We may have also gone to the Duchess, Sahara, and SheScape. Dances at the Lesbian & Gay Community Center were always fun (back then the center was not known as The LGBTQ Center yet). The majority of attendees at the Center dances were young, but I remember seeing an older lesbian couple dancing together and thought how nice it was to see them and thinking, “I hope that’s my future.” I went to these venues but never met anyone. We mainly went there to dance and look. Betty and I lamented together about not finding a girlfriend. Whenever I hear, “We Got the Beat” by The Go-Gos, I always think of Betty dancing to this song.
Cheers to Cherry Grove
For the summer Betty asked if I wanted to do a house share in Cherry Grove on Fire Island. This was my introduction to this queer mecca and it was an exciting place to be. We’d walk up and down the boardwalks and beaches going back and forth between Cherry Grove and the Pines (past the Meat Rack). Tea dance at the Ice Palace hosted by drag queens was a blast. We’d swim in the ocean and check out the scenery of bodies in swim suits (some without). I’d read my Katherine V. Forrest lesbian mystery novel on the beach and then go for a jog by the shoreline. I did meet a gal that summer on Fire Island. She was cute, Hispanic, had dark curly hair, and said she was studying criminal law (yet another lawyer). I’ll call her Del. Del said she noticed me while I was jogging. We used to wait for each other to arrive on the island, and it was a thrill to see her waiting on the dock for me as my ferry pulled in. Del was also dark brown skinned like myself, so that was a different experience than what I was used to; it was cool being the same skin tone. Included in this blog is a little sketch I did of her from memory and a few photos from Cherry Grove. After I met Del, I didn’t spend much time hanging out with my friend Betty on Fire Island. However, although Del and I were having fun, we both agreed our time together was just a summer fling (I did go back to Fire Island the next year with Sara and ours is a continuing romance).
Queer volunteer
While I was young and single and looking for love I decided to fill my time with volunteer work specifically in the queer community. I saw a newspaper ad in the Village Voice seeking a graphic designer to work with Lee Hudson, the Liaison to the Gay/Lesbian Community for the office of Mayor Ed Koch. I applied and was hired. The project we were working on was a photographic exhibit called, PREJUDICE & PRIDE, The New York City Lesbian & Gay Community, World War II – Present (at the time June 1988). Accompanying the exhibit was a 24 page newsprint publication that featured a guide to the exhibit’s photos, a letter from Mayor Koch, introduction by author Allen Ellenzweig, and essays by Jewelle Gomez, Jonathan Ned Katz, and Joan Nestle. Lee had been the romantic partner of Joan Nestle, author of Lambda Award winning books and founder of the Lesbian Herstory Archives. Later on, after I became a magazine publisher, Sara and I had the honor of meeting and interviewing Joan Nestle for my publication.
At Lee Hudson’s office in city hall, I met with Lee and several others including Morgan Gwenwald, a prominent lesbian photographer of the early gay rights movement. I remember Morgan taking a photo of me at the time but unfortunately, I can’t seem to find it in my messy closet. I plan to keep searching for it because it was an honor to be photographed by Morgan Gwenwald.
My volunteer work was to create photo captions for the exhibit. At that time, in the 1980s, I didn’t have my own computer or printer. Personal computers were not commonplace as they are now. I had to figure out how to create the text for the exhibit. Luckily I could create the text and print it at my job at Fiduciary but had to do it after my work day. That meant I had to stay late after my coworkers had gone home. I didn’t mind because it’s not like I had a lover at home waiting for me. It was a little creepy being in the office late at night by myself but I got the job done and took a car service home.
The PREJUDICE & PRIDE exhibit was at City Hall’s Tweed Gallery for the month of June and it was nice seeing my name in the acknowledgements. Even though my contribution was small, it was an honor meeting and being involved with all these prominent people who are part of LGBTQ history.
During that year I also volunteered at a grass roots lesbian magazine called Visibilities – The Lesbian Magazine. This was the second of four publications I worked for before publishing my own and a foreshadowing of publishing my own magazine for the LGBTQ community. I talked about the first magazine I worked on in entry 4 called Health. Visibilities was published and edited by Susan T. Chasin. I can’t recall what led me to Visibilities, I may have answered an ad or met Susan through someone. Visibilities was black and white with one color, printed on a heavier stock, and stapled. It was a nice looking magazine and I did some illustrations for some of the articles. Using the name “Angie” Acain, I was listed on the masthead as Art Director and my main job was to design, layout, and “paste-up” the entire publication before it was printed. To those who don’t know what I mean by “paste up”, I used a waxer to spread sticky wax on the back of paper pieces of text and images, then pasted them down on a board backing for each page spread. As I mentioned previously, when I did volunteer work for Lee Hudson, I didn’t own a computer and for Visibilities I couldn’t use my computer at Fiduciary. I believe Susan gave me the text probably on a floppy disk (remember those?), and I went to Kinkos and used their computers to manipulate the copy and photos then print them. Kinko’s was a pioneer in retail business services, offering copy services, computers for typesetting, and laser printing. Many Kinko’s were open 24 hours 7 days a week. They ceased to exist when Kinko’s was sold to FedEx in 2004 and the Kinko’s name was dropped.
While I was working on Visibilities, I had a couple of embarrassing moments. Susan had given me a photo of the great late poet, professor, feminist, and civil rights activist, Audre Lorde to place in an article. I ended up losing the original photo while I was riding the subway (in entry 4 I also lost another art related object on the subway). Of course Susan was not happy I lost the photo that Audre probably lent her so I felt terrible. For the second embarrassing moment, Susan was invited to appear and speak on a live talk show to discuss her magazine and lesbian rights. She invited me and a few other women to go with her. I went and was fascinated being on a television set but I was too shy to verbally contribute. I sat there like a deer staring into headlights.
Here's a link to some issues of Visibilities on the Bolerium website. I worked on the July/August 1988 and March/April 1989 issues (I have copies of them). I think I also worked on the November/December 1988 issue as well but can’t find a copy in my messy closet.
I worked on several issues of Visibilities and one featured a cover story of the late iconic feminist folk singer Alix Dobkin. Years later when I was publishing Gay Parent Magazine, in the year 2000, I was fortunate to meet Alix and featured her for a cover story. For my work on Visibilities I received nice compliments from one of the editorial contributors and even author Katherine V. Forest. But when I met Sara, I decided to leave Visibilities as I had a new priority. Instead of working on a lesbian magazine I was working on my new lesbian relationship. Years later I did do more volunteer work for ACQC (AIDS Center of Queens County) as a mentor for young LGBTQ people.
Life in the city isn’t always pretty
Before I get too ahead of myself, I’ll take you back to my shared apartment with my roommate Jeffrey. I set the stage for my next “queen” and bought a new queen size bed and covered it with a beautiful Hawaiian quilt bedspread that I bought on a trip home to Hawaii. Unfortunately, as I mentioned in entry 2, Jeffrey’s cat shat on my new bedspread when I first moved in. I suppose this was a territorial move but his cat was a little scary; it would hiss and terrorize me so I had to keep my door closed.
Even though his cat wasn’t friendly, Jeffrey was a nice guy. Once he put on a gown and high heels and modeled it for me. Jeffrey was at least six feet tall so those were large heels. Like me he was single but sometimes brought men home. He would cook a pork roast or bake a carrot cake and leave it in the fridge saying I could help myself. I love carrot cake but I ate my meals out. On my way to work I’d stop in at the corner deli for breakfast. Everyday I’d pass a panhandling homeless person on my way to the subway.
There were a lot of panhandlers on the subways as well but in the 1980s, New York City had the Transit Police Department, a separate law enforcement agency from the police department. Transit police officers were patrolling the subway trains more visibly than today’s police, since that was their main function. When the Transit Police Department merged with NYC’s police department in 1995 and ceased to exist, I think police presence on the subway was drastically reduced and became almost nonexistent.
The transit police were helpful in ending vandalism and the profusion of graffiti that covered subway cars at that time. I remember seeing Keith Haring’s graffiti on the subway platforms before Haring’s art became the iconic pop art it is today. In 1989, I attended the Lesbian & Gay Community Center’s 20th anniversary celebration of the Stonewall uprising. The Center commissioned work from 50 different artists including Keith Haring. Many of the artists worked directly on the Center’s premises, painting the walls and one of the pieces was actually inside a toilet stall. In one of the bathrooms above the stalls, Keith Haring painted the entire upper walls in a racy black and white mural titled “Once Upon a Time.” The mural depicted Haring’s idea of gay life before AIDS and is still available for viewing today. Haring passed away the following year at age 32. For those not familiar with Keith Haring, the USPS issued a Keith Haring stamp this year (see image).
In the 1980s I also remember seeing the Guardian Angels patrolling the subways and streets (today they no longer patrol). The Guardian Angels is a volunteer organization of citizens that was founded to combat the city’s crime. They were distinguishable by their red berets and white t-shirts printed with their red logo.
I could’ve used a red beret wearing Guardian Angel because one night as I was walking home by myself on 99th street I noticed someone following me. I started to walk faster but the person behind me started walking faster as well so I sprinted to the end of the block where my building was. Luckily the building I lived in had a doorman and I told him there was someone following me. After that possible mugging, instead of walking up 99th street I walked up Riverside Drive to get home.
As I mentioned in entry 2, I was starting to think of leaving New York City as the allure of living in a large city was fading. The thought was always in the back of my mind even though I didn’t have a timeline. I actually had this crazy thought that the hustle and bustle of living in NYC could prematurely age a person (meaning myself). Plus I was still feeling lonely and even tried answering a personal ad in the Village Voice but that action was futile.
How I met your mother
One day I was chatting with Jeffrey and he told me about Al-Anon meetings—specifically the ones for gay folk—saying they were a good way to meet people. Now I know some of you may be thinking, “That’s really not what a 12 Step program meeting is about.” Maybe I was naïve or desperate or both but I was open to Jeffrey’s idea. I had heard about Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meetings, but I didn’t know about Al-Anon meetings. Al-Anon meetings were designed for people adversely affected by an alcoholic family member’s behavior. I wasn’t raised by an alcoholic but I was raised by a parent with mental illness. I know it’s not the same but if my mentally ill parent had a drink in her hand when she went into her rages, there would be little difference between her abusive behavior and that of an alcoholic’s. If anything I figured going to the meetings would be therapeutic, help me unload my baggage, and be good for my general well-being. And I could meet a potential romantic partner in the process.
Meeting my destiny
I started attending meetings located at the Church of St. Luke in the Fields in the West Village. I liked the vibe of the meetings and felt I could relate to what people were sharing. I even had a sponsor. Being the shy person that I am, I was more into listening than sharing. In fact when this cute Jewish gal, with dark short spiky hair, wearing red rimmed glasses, and red lipstick shared one day, my ears perked up. She said her girlfriend of two years broke up with her. I listened with great interest since I could relate to what she said because Debby had broken up with me after being together for two years. More importantly, after what this cute gal just shared, it meant that she was available. At the end of the meeting you’d think I’d approach her and say something like, “I can relate to what you shared. Do you want to get a cup of coffee?” But I did not. However, I never forgot this gal. Little did we both know we were destined to be together.
Dedication and thank you
This entry is dedicated to the memory of my friend “Betty,” who did eventually find love. Betty passed away in 2012 at the age of 50 but my memories of her live on.
I hope you enjoyed this seventh installment and will continue reading my blog. Please feel free to share it with your friends. Every third entry will be available only to paid subscribers. My goal is to write at least one new entry a month. Thank you to my wife Sara for editing my blog. My blog is a reader supported publication and whether you are a free or paid subscriber, your interest and support is greatly appreciated. Until next time, have a wonderful life and thank you again for reading My life and letting go.
Your drawings are incredible. You capture your friends and lovers her so well. These blogs are so interesting to read, the way you capture the time, place, and your emotions is transporting.