Entry 8 – Letting go of being single, part 2
Meeting Sara, NYC, November 1988
Happy Pride Month
Since this is Pride Month, the timing of this entry couldn’t be better. This is the story of how I met my wife, Sara.
Previously on My life and letting go
In my last entry I had just laid eyes on my future wife. I was at a 12 Step Al-Anon meeting in a church located in the West Village of New York City (sorry I’m not following the 12 Step etiquette of anonymity). Sara stood up to share that her girlfriend of two years had broken up with her. I took special interest when she shared because earlier that year my girlfriend of two years had broken up with me. So we had a lot in common but more importantly, Sara was available. As I wrote in my last entry, you’d think I’d approach her and say something like, “I can relate to what you shared. Do you want to get a cup of coffee?” But I did not.
Self-reflection
I was actually a little afraid of being in another relationship. At this time I had mixed feelings. I was lonely and wanted to be in a relationship but I was also afraid. Maybe it was because I started attending Al-Anon meetings and was listening to what people were sharing about their lives and this made me start thinking about my own life. Also my sponsor recommended I not get involved in another relationship since I had just started going to meetings; she said to wait a while.
My fear also had to do with being hurt twice that year, once by Debby, my ex of two years (read entry 2) and another time by a woman I had a brief long distance relationship with (read entry 4 and 7). A double whammy. Prior to Debby I was also in a six year relationship with a woman I should not have been in a relationship with at all.
During this period of being single, I had time to focus and reflect on my individual self. I started to do a lot of processing about how I was in my previous relationships. I thought I had been too codependent with my previous girlfriends and hadn’t asserted myself enough. I decided in my next relationship I would go slower, be more mindful, and try not to be the stereotypical lesbian who would quickly move in with her lover.
I started to think about my own individual likes and dislikes. One step I took was to change my wardrobe, I got rid of some clothing that I wore that was indicative of one of my past relationships, out went the preppy shirts. I splurged on a long black leather coat similar to what the characters in the movie, The Matrix wore (looking back this is funny). I also started to dress more butch and not conform to mainstream society’s idea of what a woman’s outward appearance should be. I still had one dress but I would eventually stop wearing dresses and skirts. Not long after I met Sara, I cut my long “hula girl” hair off to mark my liberation of quitting my full time job at Fiduciary.
Age 30 self-portrait
As I mentioned in my previous entries, my roommate Jeffrey gave me the idea of going to Al-Anon meetings—specifically gay meetings—to meet people. It was because of his prompting that my life totally changed for the better.
Jeffrey was older than me, I was in my late 20s at the time in 1988, and he may have been in his late 30s or early 40s. As I mentioned in entry 2, he was tall, Black and gay, and he was more caring than I had realized at the time.
One day, Jeffery found a great looking rope woven wicker and wood lounge chair with matching foot stool that someone in the building was throwing out and he gave it to me.
Another time Jeffrey was really excited because he found a wooden picture frame in the basement that was being thrown out and gave it to me because he knew I was an artist. The frame was about a foot wide and five feet tall and in it was a board I could paint on. I used Jeffrey’s gift and painted a self-portrait using oil paint. At the time I was really into the smell of linseed oil and liked the smooth buttery texture of applying oil paint on a surface.
I did some preliminary sketches and decided to do a nude self-portrait. I guess I was laying myself bare. I won’t show the entire painting (don’t want to frighten you), just portions that don’t contain my naked parts. Years later one of my lesbian friends looked at my self-portrait and actually told me my boobs weren’t that big (this is a friend that speaks her mind). I don’t think I exaggerated my tiny bubble boobs but I did unconsciously give myself nice long legs that I wish I had.
I painted a night time sky with a full moon representing the loneliness I felt at night. Half of the background was a Manhattan street with a homeless person sitting on the sidewalk because I saw them daily. The other half I painted bright fire with a stream of blue water flowing through the fire and puddling around my feet. The water represents spirituality. Including these elements in my painting were probably representational of emotions I was feeling at the time. Included is a plant that represents my love of nature. I don’t know why I painted a large crack on the plant’s pot (because I’m a crackpot?). On my finger is a representation of a silver eagle head ring that I still I have and like (but never wear).
At the time a friend had given me a deck of tarot cards; I used them to try to figure out my mysterious future. I decided to do a reading and include it in my painting, so some of the tarot cards I had pulled are in the bottom of the painting. The following are the cards with very basic descriptions derived from Google:
King of Cups – Represents having mastery over the realm of emotion, creativity, and the unconscious (nice).
Knight of Cups – Pursue emotional relationships but tread carefully (good advice).
King of Pentacles – Represents financial security (good one).
Six of Pentacles – Represents the ebb and flow of material resources (that certainly has happened).
Seven of Swords – Represents theft, betrayal, deception and trickery (not a great card).
I recently found my decades old tarot card deck in my closet. I don’t use them anymore and plan to let them go.
My self-portrait was started before I met Sara and finished after we met. I included one of her cats in the finished painting; he’s all black, with red lips, and his tail is partly around my waist. Little did I know this was the second to the last painting I would do.
She said yes
In addition to the meeting located at the church in the West Village, I also attended a gay Al-Anon meeting at a Westside Y in midtown Manhattan. It was November 1988 and one day Sara walks into the Westside Y meeting. I did notice her and remembered her from the meeting in the West Village but I was still too nervous to approach her. I was actually a little terrified of talking to her and planned to leave the meeting right after. I knew she was available and if I engaged with her, it meant the possibility of being vulnerable to another person. I was not feeling confident.
After the meeting I was ready to bolt out the door but to my surprise, she approached me. Walking up to me she said, “You look familiar.”
I know that sounds like a pick up line but she actually meant it. I said that I first saw her at the other meeting at the church in the West Village but she didn’t recall seeing me there. We chatted and chuckled a bit because she said she had just attended a dance for Asian women and I said, “That’s funny because I went to a dance for Jewish women.”
I asked her if she was attending the RoundUp because I was planning on going. The RoundUp I was referring to was a gay 12 Step event that included workshops and a dance. She told me she was going. We didn’t make a formal plan to meet at the RoundUp but when I got there, I could tell she was waiting for me.
I rode my bicycle from the Upper West Side down to where the workshops were being held. I saw Sara standing with a friend of hers and she introduced me to her friend. Her friend had that expression on her face that said, “Oh, this is her.”
We all looked at a program and talked about which workshops we were interested in. When I entered the room of one of the workshops we had talked about attending, Sara had the biggest and cutest smile on her face when she saw me. I took a seat behind her and she kept turning around to look and smile at me. I have to admit that was a turn on.
Afterwards, I asked her if she was going to the dance that evening and that if she was, I said she could hang out with me and my friends. She said she was.
However, I really didn’t mean to hang out with her and with friends at the dance, I really meant to just hang out with just her. I guess I said that because we really didn’t know each other and I wanted to see how the evening would go. Yet, I clearly remember being very excited riding my bicycle home in anticipation of that evening. I could tell she liked me and I was super interested in learning more about Sara.
Later that evening, we met each other at the Puck Building in lower Manhattan. There were at least two floors for the event. On one floor you could have a conversation because the music was not as loud, and the top floor music was for dancing, and dance we did. Very close to each other. Feeling Sara’s body next to mine was really nice. It was pretty hot actually. Needless to say, that night I got my confidence back. We had a wonderful time learning more about each other. Some of my fear about being in another relationship melted away. I was ready to be vulnerable again and open to love--although I was still cautious.
At the subway entrance before we parted, I felt I wanted to see Sara again; so I asked her, “Do you want to date?”
She said, “Yes.”
Thank you
I hope you enjoyed this eighth installment and will continue reading my blog. Please share it with your friends. This storyline will continue after the next entry. Every third entry will be available only to paid subscribers including the next. My goal is to write at least one new entry a month. Thank you to my wife Sara for editing my blog. My blog is a reader supported publication and whether you are a free or paid subscriber, your interest and support is greatly appreciated. Until next time, have a wonderful life and thank you again for reading My life and letting go.
That painting looks really incredible, I want to see the whole thing!